They give you pedicures…
“I’ve got this girl I hang out with sometimes, let’s call her Two Ton Terri (she’s not actually two tons, don’t be an asshole), and she comes over and grooms me every now and then like I’m a baby monkey. She gets rid of my hangnails, uses a pumice stone on my big toe callouses, and sometimes when we’re feeling real crazy, we eat breakfast for dinner (her idea!). You should get a girl like this too. People forget about fat girls and their feelings and skills and then fellas like us come in and take ‘em to the Hunger Games in exchange for a massage, two vicodins and my missing third season of The Wire– God only knows how she got her cute chubby hands on that one. Every now and then just tell her she’s beautiful, punch one of her boobs into the other, yell “Just kidding!” and then run out of the room. Come back in wearing nothing but a sombrero, and when she’s done laughing, extend your feet and pretend you’re a rich white girl and she’s a snarky old Korean lady, which maybe she will be! It’s all quite simple when you think about it, life.”
Photo courtesy of AARP. No seriously. It is.
